For the past three years, I have barely felt like I had time to work on anything that I could truly call mine.
When I went from having no kids to having one baby, I knew my life was going to change. People warned me about how time-consuming motherhood would be. I heard all the usual things about sleep deprivation, having less free time, and how your life revolves around your baby.
But there is nothing quite like experience being the teacher.
I had to learn for myself just how much motherhood would change the way I spent my time.
And then, just when I thought I had figured things out, my baby would enter a new stage and everything would change again.
Nap refusals happened. Tantrums happened. Schedules stopped working. Things that worked one month suddenly didn’t work the next.
I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to fit everything into a day that already felt completely full.
Some days felt like a success.
Other days felt like a complete failure.
And somewhere in the middle of all of that, I realized something: I didn’t want my entire life to feel like taking care of everyone else.
When Your Identity Becomes “Mom”
I love being a mom.
I love my kids, and I don’t regret becoming a mother for a second.
But there is a difference between loving motherhood and feeling like motherhood is the only thing that exists in your life.
For a long time, I felt like my identity had slowly become just Mom.
My days were filled with feeding kids, cleaning up messes, doing laundry, working, making meals, changing diapers, managing naps, dealing with tantrums, and trying to keep everyone alive and reasonably happy.
There wasn’t much left over for me.
And when there was, I usually felt like I should be doing something productive.
I think a lot of moms fall into this trap.
We tell ourselves that once the house is clean, the laundry is done, the kids are taken care of, and work is finished, then we’ll have time for ourselves.
Except that day rarely comes.
There will always be another load of laundry.
Another mess.
Another meal.
Another thing that needs to be done.
Eventually, I realized I couldn’t wait for life to magically give me more free time.
I had to make some.
I Started Making My To-Do List Smaller
One of the biggest things that helped me was simply becoming more realistic about what I could accomplish in a day.
I had to reduce my to-do list.
Not because those things didn’t matter, but because trying to do everything was leaving me exhausted and frustrated.
With little kids, your days don’t always go according to plan.
Sometimes the baby naps for 30 minutes instead of two hours.
Sometimes your toddler has a meltdown because you gave him the wrong color cup.
Sometimes everyone needs you at the exact same time.
That’s motherhood.
I had to stop planning my days as if I had eight uninterrupted hours to get things done.
Instead, I started looking for little pockets of time.
Fifteen minutes here.
Thirty minutes there.
An hour when my husband could take the kids.
It didn’t seem like much at first.
But those little pockets started adding up.
You Don’t Need Hours of Free Time to Do Something You Love
This was probably the biggest mindset shift for me.
I used to think that if I couldn’t spend a significant amount of time doing something, it wasn’t worth starting.
If I wanted to sew, I felt like I needed a whole afternoon.
If I wanted to play piano, I felt like I needed enough time to actually practice.
If I wanted to paint my nails, I felt like I needed to have everything else finished first.
I don’t think that’s realistic for most mothers of young children.
So instead, I started giving myself permission to do things imperfectly.
Maybe I only have 20 minutes to sew.
That’s okay.
Maybe I play the piano for 15 minutes.
Still worth it.
Maybe my husband takes the kids for an evening and I go shopping with my mom and sister.
That counts too.
Sometimes taking care of yourself doesn’t look like a long bubble bath or an elaborate morning routine.
Sometimes it looks like sitting down at a sewing machine and making something with your hands.
Sometimes it’s playing an old song on the piano.
Sometimes it’s painting your nails because you simply want to.
The point isn’t how much time you have.
It’s that you’re doing something that belongs to you.
Finding My Creativity Again
One of the biggest parts of finding myself again after becoming a mom has been reconnecting with the creative side of myself.
I started playing piano again.
I used to play often in high school, and I became pretty good.
Now?
I’m rusty.
Very rusty.
And honestly, it’s frustrating.
There are things I used to be able to play without thinking that I now have to slow down and figure out again.
But even though I’m not where I used to be, I’m enjoying having music in my life again.
I’m reminding myself that I don’t have to be as good as I once was to enjoy something.
I can just play.
Sewing has been an entirely different experience.
I am practically a complete beginner.
I knew how to thread a sewing machine, but that was about it.
So I started from scratch.
I recruited my mom as my teacher and decided to try making a shirt.
There has been a LOT of seam ripping.
And recutting.
And sewing something again because I somehow managed to do it wrong the first time.
I’ve had moments where I wondered why I thought this was a good idea.
But then I finish a small part of the shirt and think, I actually made that.
And that feeling is worth it.
I’m not trying to become an expert overnight.
I’m enjoying the process of learning something new.
Making Time for Yourself as a Mom Doesn’t Mean You Love Your Kids Less
I think this is something mothers can feel guilty about.
We love our kids so much that it can feel strange to admit that we want something outside of motherhood.
But I don’t think those two things contradict each other.
I can love spending time with my children and still want time away from them.
I can be incredibly grateful to be their mom and still want hobbies, creativity, friendships, work, and interests that are mine.
In fact, I’ve found that having those things has actually helped me enjoy motherhood more.
When I spend a little time doing something I enjoy, I come back to my kids feeling refreshed.
I’m not constantly waiting for bedtime or feeling like I haven’t done anything for myself in weeks.
I feel like a whole person again.
And I think that’s important.
Start With 15 Minutes
If you’re a mom who feels like you’ve lost yourself somewhere along the way, I don’t think you need to completely overhaul your life.
Start small.
Think about something you used to love doing.
Maybe you loved painting.
Maybe you used to read.
Maybe you played an instrument.
Maybe you loved baking, gardening, sewing, exercising, writing, photography, or crafting.
You don’t have to become that person again overnight.
Just start doing a little bit of it.
Give yourself 15 minutes.
Put it on the calendar if you have to.
Ask your husband or someone you trust to take the kids for a little while.
Cut something unnecessary from your to-do list.
Let the laundry wait.
You don’t need to earn the right to have a hobby.
And you don’t need a perfectly clean house before you are allowed to sit down and do something you enjoy.
Your kids don’t need a mother who has completely erased herself for them.
They need you.
And I think part of being a good mother is also showing them that it’s okay to be a person with interests, creativity, dreams, and things you’re still learning.
You Are Still In There
Motherhood changed me.
I’m not the exact same person I was before having kids, and I don’t think I’m supposed to be.
But I’m starting to find pieces of that person again.
I’m learning to sew.
I’m playing piano again.
I’m creating things.
I’m trying new things even when I’m not very good at them.
And I’m learning that I don’t need hours of uninterrupted free time to have a life outside of motherhood.
I just need to make room for it.
Those little pockets of time have helped me rebuild confidence and reconnect with a part of myself that I didn’t realize I was missing so much.
Maybe that’s what finding yourself again after motherhood really looks like.
Not going back to who you were before kids.
But figuring out who you are now.
As mothers, I believe we all need something outside of our children that fulfills us.
Being a mom is fulfilling. It is some of the most important work we will ever do.
But there is something special about having something that is truly yours.
Something you can create.
Something you can learn.
Something that makes you feel proud.
Something that reminds you that you’re still a person outside of your role as Mom.
So if you’ve been waiting for the perfect time to start doing something for yourself, don’t wait.
Start with 15 minutes.
Pick up the hobby.
Open the book.
Sit at the piano.
Turn on the sewing machine.
Paint your nails.
Go for a walk.
Whatever it is, make a little room for something that belongs to you.
You might be surprised by how much of yourself you find there.
